vent 091220

fear

sometimes,
people around will act certain ways;
certain ways that make you scared, that make you afraid of them,
even though it's someone who you'd trust your life with.

sometimes, we just end up being scared of some people in our lives.
or is it just me?
is it just me being scared of certain things happening over and over again with different people;
that i automatically just switch to fear mode?

and then... firstly a funny cloud of dark humour starts to actually float over my head

abandoned

it feels like one of us is fading
and I just dont know who it is

it feels like the connection is weakening,
the distance is getting bigger
and that i've been replaced by more important things

and i understand that some things are in some situations just more important
but it feels like
I did all I could do, even though it wasnt comfortable for me
just to sit and wait

and over the years, I learned to hate waiting
I learned to hate waiting until I get noticed

and I learned to hate things
that made it feel like
i'm unimportant compared to them

and it is okay that some things are like this
and I do respect that some things have higher importance and some people have different preferences

but... sometimes

it just hurts

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All this hate will burn your life down

All the pain, you cause your own suffering

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1. even the simpliest reactions, and up to more complex actions. for some reason, over the time i was there, there were some things that made me scared. that made me fear you. I dont know why and I dont remember them all, and maybe it's simply because I've been out of contact with real humans for so long, but... some things just made me scared. and as the time went on, the joke 'i'm gonna die young by your hand' eventually stopped being a joke at all.

2. i might be completely overreacting or something, but it's a thing that hasn't left my brain since, so I guess I'll talk about that one as well,,

I'd like to start off by saying something I simply wanted to keep inside, but i think it is worth mentioning.
As the time went on, the idea to travel to your place started being simply stressful to me, and nothing else. As the date was closer and closer, I wanted to go less and less. needless to mention that at one point before the travel to you, half of my body was just shaking uncontrollably - and even though i'm not really sure, I do think it was partially because of the stress. 
I just didn't want to go, because all I felt from it was stress;
but I did, because I wanted to make you happy. because I didnt want to disappoint you.
maybe that's mainly why it made me so sad to watch you spend time and play games with your friends while i was there. 

and over all over the time, I just started to feel... unimportant. forgotten.
and as I'm saying, I do understand the possible reasons. but it... does make me sad.
I do realize that there are things I should simply ask for, but... it does feel more like bothering considering that I see you're having fun.

I don't know. I'm just... feeling left alone. waiting. left out.

and it just fucks me up